Don’t Worry…

In the “Judge” We Trust

Written by JB Williams


We can all rest easy. Clearly the judges have everything under control, including who is worthy of a right to life finally. Now that they have successfully protected and preserved our right to die, we can rest assured that they will tend to all our other rights with equal vigor…

It was close there for a while, some judges taking almost 24 hours to decide to defend our right to be starved and dehydrated to death once we have lost our usefulness to society. But in the end, they all stood tall, even in the face of enormous pressure from the governor of Florida, the state and US congress, the President and even the American people.

At last count, they had arrested and jailed 47 hardened criminals who shamefully attempted on numerous occasions to derail a woman’s right to die, by sneaking her a glass of life sustaining water. It turns out the secularists were right, we can trust in men and man’s laws to preserve and protect our way of life…at least when it comes to death.

See, all you people on the religious right with your high-minded morals had nothing to worry about. These judges are such progressive free thinkers that in the process of defending death, they managed to solve a few other major issues facing our nation today.

When it comes to social concerns, none are bigger than the solvency of Social Security and accessible health care. Everyone knows that when people get older, they tend to require more health care and guess who is sucking up all the Social Security funds? Right, the elderly…

Well, both problems have just been solved. Now when people pass the point of self-reliance, requiring “heroic measures” like food and water in order to sustain life, we can simply offer them their right to die. That will eliminate their need for expensive medical attention and their drain on the Social Security trust fund…

The best part is they don’t even have to agree to accept the offer. If they ever made an off the cuff comment to anyone at any point during their life, that they would not like to live like some comatose vegetable they saw in a movie once, that’s good enough. No need for all the cumbersome paperwork of a living will or anything, we just need someone to come forward who remembers the statement they made during Terms of Endearment.

The judges even found a fast and painless way to assure that we go on to meet our maker in peace. Once again, the secularists were right. Just because they now have Terri Schiavo on morphine to stop her convulsions doesn’t mean she is actually in any pain mind you. Like the videos of her responding to her parents, the convulsions just look painful…They aren’t really, the judge ruled on that too.

This case also answered another nagging medical question. Just how long can one live without food and water? I have always heard it stated that the human body can’t last much more than a week without food, even less without water. Now we know. Even a woman who “wants to die” with a God who “wants to bring her home” is at 12 days and counting…

All you right-wing religious fanatics were wrong again. There is nothing slow and painful about being starved and dehydrated to death. It hasn’t even been a month yet. You people just can’t comprehend what a true act of compassion looks like… It’s a good thing secularist judges can.

When are you people who only trust in God going to learn that men know better? That no God can protect you like a good secular judge can? When will you learn that if you just trust in the laws specifically made for you, morals aren’t necessary? Justice is in the eye of the beholder. It’s only what’s legal that matters…

Besides, if you must have a set of moral standards, we can get a judge to make some up.

The progressive judiciary has solved another major problem. There is no more need for lengthy expensive legislative processes just to enact laws. Why waste our resources with all those people in all those expensive buildings just to pass laws when a single judge can accomplish the same thing with a single ruling…?

Really, we don’t even need a legislative branch of government anymore. It’s just too expensive and they spend most of their time fighting and bickering anyway. Just let the judges do it! After all, when a judge doesn’t like how law makers wrote it, they simply use a liberal interpretation to re-write it. So what’s the point?

Some of you people are slow to catch on. You should have known you could place your trust in the judge once he erected that wall of separation the founders forgot to install. If it wasn’t for judges, we’d still be living in the Stone Age, trying to apply some obscure outdated idea of right and wrong.

Many of you folks are still whining about some bogus right to life for the unborn that a judge resolved almost 40 years ago. Get over it. Move on and catch up here. We’re talking about life outside the womb now… Man you people are slow to accept change. Why rehash old judgments rendered long ago? The judge decided…now get in line!

You gotta get with the program. We’re solving big problems here with progressive ideas that will save us all a lot of money. You can’t keep letting all those hang-ups over morals and founding principles get in your way.

Keep in mind that it was progressives who gave us the HMO, alternative lifestyles along with a new definition of marriage and demanded justice even for terrorists imprisoned at Abu Ghraib. It’s progressives who are concerned about the rights of terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, a fair trial for Saddam Hussein and even Osama Bin Laden.

If all these people can trust in the judge, why can’t you?

Come on… Climb aboard the progressive secular love train. People all over the world, join in! In the Judge we now trust, and the judge has spoken! Several of them as a matter of fact… So what are you waiting for?

We have big plans for changing America. The wall separating God, morality and decency from American society is almost complete. Don’t you want to be a part of the solution?

Information that the Lib-Left doesn't want you to find!

"Newspaper look" derived from work ©Seattle Sentinel